I have back and forth feelings about getting married. As in.. I so badly want to get married to Jeremy. However the idea of leaving behind my unbridled youth is a frighteningly exhilarating thought.

It’s the same kind of apprehension I felt when I was about to start High School, College, and my Job. It’s knowing there’s an incoming change in the wind, a new kind of surge in the waves and wondering if your sails are strong enough, your skills ready, and your soul fills and empties at the same time with emotion.

It kinda hit me hard when Ruvini, Rajeev’s fiancée sent me a card with Mr & Mrs. Jeremy Stone on it.

I was like.. zomg.

It’s actually a pretty great feeling.

And yet I want to run away sometimes. But I only ever run into Jeremy’s arms.

My emotions about the identity of my self are strong. I understand the strength of a name. The legacy of being a Moses. I am not fully willing to give that up yet. I remind myself that who I am isn’t five letters on paper. It’s the blood that flows within me, my spirit that remains unbroken, and the strength of my forefathers and foremothers.

No name change can take that away… but a name change can make me feel a sense of loss… and gain. It’s all so confusing.

I’ve been using my new 50 – 250mm lens outside. Once I got my hands on that beautiful 70-200mm f2.8L lens the itch too go telephoto again too much.I barely lasted two weeks before hit the buy button on Amazon and got my lens two days later.  It’s a nice sharp copy of the lens and while it certainly has focusing flaws, I’m probably being unfair comparing a $200 lens to a $2500 dollar one.

The bokeh is creamy. I do love it and don’t mind the majority of the flaws at all! Love getting back into flower photography.

I also had a telephone conversation with my mother. She wasn’t mean to me. That was awesome.
You know, I want so badly to be friends with my mother. This is why it upsets me so much when she speaks to me like an inferior, stupid child. Maybe one day. Maybe never. But the truth is, I need her respect. And if I need to get it by limiting the opportunities to disrespect me, that’s a start. It’s been two weeks since we’ve had any conversation of substance. So far it’s been great.

I’m always hoping it will get better… one day it’ll be good.

Tonight I am going to play Diablo III in an attempt to catch up with Henry who is now 14 levels ahead of me. Also it’s a reward for my hard work and uberproductivity today! 🙂