My mother doesn't want an explanation of how her mothering could have been improved. I guess I should just pretend the way she raised me was perfect and best for me in all scenarios. It's not even like I was taking into question her entire method of parenting me. Just some small bits that did not help me.

I expressed that I didn't like it when I was forced to do Orchestra in high school. I expressed how, looking back, it was an unbelievable waste of my time and how I looked at and longed to take the art classes offered. How I didn't enjoy orchestra but would have loved art.

I remember taking geometry and physical ed as a summer classes so I could take art. I had to lie about the need to take those classes in the summer. The art class was the most satisfying elective class I took in high school.

My mother didn't like that. She "apologized" for making me take orchestra for two more years than I wanted to and then told me to go raise my kids better than her.

Gee thanks for that apology, it was so sincere mom.

She must think the world of herself as a mother. I can never express any sort of criticism of her parenting without her being sarcastic or taking offense. This would make more sense if she didn't also love handing out criticism to me pretty much anytime I see her face.

Well the truth is I hated orchestra. I hated not being in the fun clubs.  I hated having to hide the hell out of my relationship with Jeremy because she couldn't handle it. And her giving me relationship advice? Pff. That boat sailed a long time ago when you decided to make that very important part of my life none of your concern.

Oh well, it's not surprising. She always says she's my mother and not my friend. I guess I should start accepting that "not my friend" part because it makes everything I've never understood about her parenting make perfect sense.

You take your real self and your real problems to your friends. You don't take them to self proclaimed authority figures who've made it clear they're not looking to ever rescind their position of authority for close and honest relationship with you. 

They'll always have the right to tell it to me like I have no sense, am inferior, inexperienced and going to 'learn my lesson'.

Once this wedding is over, I need to take some time off for myself, away from all the negative voices and re-center to the things that are important to me. I don't need to please everyone. I don't need to please anyone at the expense of my own needs.

And that's where I need to draw my line.  So.. I guess I need to start drawing lines. And express my feelings.
My feelings are no less valuable than anyone else's. Sorry. Future MIL is not going to be at my dress fitting. 

I don't want her there. I am okay with not having someone at such a personal event that I haven't connected with. It's important to me. What's important to me matters.  She is a lovely lady, exuberant in her emotion. I don't know how to handle her. It's not her fault. I am not used to women like her. 

And that's okay.

Goddamn it, everything else about this wedding day is for everybody fucking else. 
I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF CERTAIN PEOPLE ACTING LIKE MY REQUIESTS AND WANTS ARE ALWAYS SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED.

YOU KNOW WHAT SCREW THAT. 

I am tired of people trying to walk all over me. I am doing things my way. Fuck everything else.
I'm not a bridezilla but people have another thing coming if they think I'm just going to be a brideoormat.