Tomorrow I’ll be sitting in a room signing a contract for the most expensive day of my life. It’s a symbol of the sacrifices we make for the tribe. The cohesive being that is our large family. I value it greatly, I do. And so I will facilitate this event that is so much much more than just the joining of two people. It’s the re-joining of the family, as it is for every wedding. I will never be the person that decides the unity of the extensive family is unimportant. Family is important. Which is why I have to play the balancing game so much. I could just easily let it eat me whole so doing it the reasonable way, the right way, takes some fighting and effort.

J and I were talking in the car while driving back to my house last night. Part of the deal with having a large family, especially an Indian family, is that you’re expected to meet some standards. I’m one of the first cousins to get married in the States. And marry a white guy.

No matter how much I want to pretend it’s not true, people will be eyeing me to see what I do… what standard I set. I’ve tried to set an example. Really. Despite my mistakes, I got a good education, I forged into independence, I’m trying to marry a good guy with matching beliefs who’s also sweet, kind, and understanding. I am painfully aware that no man is an island. As I have been influenced, I too influence. I know there are people out there that I never speak to that I influence. There are those people I haven’t even seen in years that think about me. The opposite is true too. So I have to live my life in a way that reflects my beliefs. I think every good woman deserves happiness in self, a good education, and a good man. That’s what I want people to see: long-suffered thoughts leading to hard fought decisions to do the right things even if it breaks a few molds here and there.

It struck me when this year two people I haven’t spoken since high school really came forward and asked me how they can have my life, basically. With social networks… everyone’s watching. 

Women have power too. A gentle, solid, stubborn and loving power. It can get them as much out of life as any man. It’s not a man’s world. At least not where I’ve been so blessedly setup. I have made very few major decisions in my life lightly. But each thing I possess, my freedom, my friends, my spirit and the man I’ve chosen to love.. they make my life feel so doable.

Is it possible to feel like you’re displeasing the God of your parents while fulfilling the purpose of the God of your heart? Are they not one?

Anyway. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being prepared for something.
But like every big thing that doesn’t make sense, it’ll fill itself out and before I know I’ll be flying on wings I didn’t even know I was growing. It’s always a surprise. Knowing I'm essentially broken is what makes each transformation unbelievable and fulfilling in a way I just can't describe in words. The closest description I can come up with… It's a swelling of the soul. 

In the case that it's just personal insanity I don't try to understand it. I just let it .. happen. 

But.. I know..

I am watching something unfold. I think it’s me.